- December 15th, 2015, 2:09 am
You're about to learn some personal things about me...
I hope that whoever is reading this is very dedicated.
And before you say anything, I'm NOT complaining about anything. I'm just explaining.
I'm an artist, obviously. I've always been an artist. It's my passion and I've made lots of money from it. I once made $1,200 on a single sculpture. But I needed my own computer, so all of that was gone in one click. Typically, if I sell any artwork, I usually get anywhere from $10 to $200. Or if it is a large sculpture or a very intricate one, anywhere between $50 and $2,000. That's why I put so much pride and effort (key words there) into all of my work. I care about what I do and I try my best on everything that I create.
Judge me if you want, but I try my best. Even after the last few months. Only one or two of you know, but I put myself through emotional trauma over the last 4 months which got worse and worse as time went by. I won't go into the details, but even though I'm what some people would call "gifted" or "talented" (though I beg to differ), it comes with a heavy price. I do suffer from a few mental illnesses that I cannot control no matter what I do or who I talk to. I suffer from, first of all, Aspergers Syndrome with which I was diagnosed 5 years ago. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a form of autism, but only in high-functioning people. I've never really looked into it until recently and now I understand why I am.
I also suffer from bad anxiety and bipolar depression. I tend have emotional attachments to close friends and when that bond is broken it does heavy mental damage because I make myself think it's all my fault. That there was nothing I could do. I would constantly tell myself that they hate me, they don't like me, they think I'm a bad person. And it would happen over and over again. It bothered me on a daily basis while awake, and even haunted me in my dreams at night. That's why I didn't do much over the last few months. That's why Mike's portrait took so long (and believe me, I tried as hard as I could on it). I was under a constant battle with myself. Depression and anxiety are NOT excuses. They are NOT something to be trifled with. I hate that I have those things, but I can't help it. I'm trying to avoid medication, just so you know. I'll even say this. A month ago, it got so bad. I had convinced myself that there was only one way out, and I tried it. There's no need to go into further detail.
Now, onto the transportation part of the question. This will also be a long answer, so I hope you're prepared to read some more...
My parents have been divorced for nearly 15 years now. My dad had a brain stem stroke that nearly killed him soon after that divorce. Now he is disabled and unable to work. My sister and myself live with him and he draws $1,200 a month from disability. Been doing so for 15 years now. My mom is also out of work and she does the best that she can for both herself and myself and my sister. So, even in high school, transportation was a problem. If I didn't have to stay after, I HAD to come home on the bus. I never really had any money then. I never sold artwork because it just wasn't good enough. Then I joined Army JROTC which pretty much filled my schedule all year long for the remaining 3 years of high school. My sister was also in it, so transportation became even more of a challenge. It took more money to pay for gas because it took 30 minutes to get there every day since we live out in the sticks. We could never afford to take that driving range class and whatnot, so I never had the initiative to get my learners, or even my license. I new that we couldn't afford all of that. Usually, the money that my dad got at the beginning of every month was gone by the end of the first week. Mainly due to bills and what money is left goes to the gas tank and a few groceries. I finally graduated with no license, no money, not even a learners permit, and just a standard diploma (I didn't take a foreign language).
Now, I'm in college...
I solely rely on FAFSA to pay for my classes. Whenever I do get a little money, it usually goes to the gas tank, or something so I can actually eat. That's why I don't eat much anymore. We managed to kill a few deer this year, so we should be good in that department. My sister also goes to college, so If my class is before hers on one day, she has to leave the house when I do, because we're only going to leave once, to save gas. It also works vice versa. Sometimes I have a little money for something to eat that day, but for the most part, don't and have to wait until I get home. Last month, we actually didn't get to get groceries, and I had to go a few days without eating. Now I've gotten used to not eating as much, even if we have stuff or even if I have money. I tend to not eat much now (it's also winter, so I guess that's why).
But now, I'm starting to sell artwork, but it costs money to make this stuff. So usually, any money that I get I have to use to buy supplies. Whatever is left, I use for college. That's why I can never save much money. I try to, but it never works out because, in the end, I usually have to end up using it. Since we live so far away from any businesses who are hiring, I'll need an actual car of some sort. But it costs money to have a car. And I will never make enough money selling artwork to do that. In this case, I need money to get a car. I need a car so I can get to work. But I need a job so I can get a car. If I have someone drop me off and pick me up, it will end up costing more than it's worth because we live so far away. Most of my friends who have jobs live closer to town and nowhere near me.
There's more to me than meets the eye. There are many people who have it worse off than myself and I feel bad because there's nothing I can do. I'm constantly at war with myself. I have to force myself to do artwork. Whenever you see me post a picture or something about whatever I am working on, just know that as of right now, it takes MUCH more effort than it should for me to do that. The work I done today is monumental compared to recent stuff. I already have other projects lined up in the near future, but they are all long-term. I know that I will be paid very well for them, but they will take a lot of time to create. Don't get me wrong. I REALLY want a job, but I've already explained why that is difficult right now. That's why when someone asks me 'why don't you drive?' or 'why don't you go get a job?' , I get so worked up by it because I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED. I'm not getting mad. Please don't think that.
Now you know why I put so much pride and effort into what I do. Because I know that, eventually, my work will take me somewhere. Carowinds is aware that my foot is literally in the door. All I need to do is step inside and I an well on my way to doing just that...
So if and when any of you talk to me, please take all of these things into account.
This concludes today's public service announcement.
Be Kind to One Another;
Make Each Day Count...